On being back home at 26

I broke up with my boyfriend, with whom I had been living for a year, last December. One of the things that weighted most heavily on my decision was where I was going to go. I was only going to work for a few more months at the office and then I had to leave everything and focus on my Residency exams. After that, if I was lucky enough to get into a Residency program, I wouldn't be seeing a paycheck until July at the EARLIEST. If I was LUCKY enough. So staying at the rented appartment wasn't a viable idea. I had to return home, with all it implied. I talked with my ex, and he seemed pretty contrite about the whole thing. "As well he should", a bitter part of my heart says. Long story short, I wound up living with my ex for another four months. My life had turned into a bad Jennifer Aniston movie. It wasn't that bad, actually. One of the reasons the ex and I broke up was because he travelled a lot for his job, so he was barely there. But when he came back, things happened, and it did my head in. At first I was all cool about it, and I was seeing other people, so it was a non-problem. I actually felt a bit sorry for him, but I was always upfront about everything I did, and he didn't seem to have a problem, so whatever. But when I quit my job and started cramming he became almost my only conection with the outside world. I felt lonely, and thus I began having all these stupid thoughts and feelings. He must have sensed it, because he began pulling back and acting less like a boyfriend and more like an ex. I knew in my head I didn't really want to get back together with him, and that I just felt lonely and that was it. That it wasn't fair for me to even bring it up. But one night, at my absolute lowest, I wondered out loud, in the smallest voice possible, if perhaps we could give it all another shot. After all, we had been behaving like a couple for weeks. He blew me off, completely. I'm kind of glad he did, now, seeing everything in perspective, but, fuck it hurt like a bitch. So I went through the motions, made it through my exams, and now I'm here, back home, at 26 years old, and I feel like I'm 14 all over again, hating my parents, slaming doors, and, yeah, emoing all over a blog. We'll see how it goes.

Deja-vu

Una vez mas volcando pensamientos en... un blog? internet? el ciberespacio? No importa, mientras que sea alli afuera, lejos de mi. Ojala fuera tan facil con mis sentimientos, meterlos todos dentro de una cajita, o una bolsa, atarlos con cinta, y enviarlos bien lejos.

No puedo decirte ninguna de estas cosas. Ya vomite demasiado el otro dia. Tengo miedo que si sigo puedo perderte. Ja. Como puedo perderte si no te tengo? Te odio. Lo repito para mi misma cada vez que hablo con vos. Teodioteodioteodioteodio. Hasta que las palabras dejan de tener sentido. Pero ni asi me lo creo.

Me hiciste un buen numero, eh? Sin siquiera quererlo. O tal vez si. Te arrepentiste? Viste algo detras de la cortina que no te gusto?

Detesto estar pensando esto. Que es culpa mia. Mira lo que has logrado!

Si tuviera dos dedos de frente o una neurona que funcionara me alejaria.

Pero es magnetismo que me atrae. O tal vez no. Morbo. Si, eso me gusta mas. Es morbo.

No puedo dormir. Y ni durmiendo me alejo de ti, ya que estas en mis sueños, con esa sonrisita ironica que me gustaria abofetear. O besar.

Probablemente ambos.

Over my head

What the fuck am I doing? Seriously. Why am I getting involved in this fucking mess? There's only one way I'll come out of this, and it won't be nice.

You say I can't, and so I will. Again, and again.

I understand the appeal. I really really do. I can see myself falling for her too. Would it be easier if I didn't?

I'm a love junkie. It is a drug, the best kind. I haven't felt more alive in YEARS. I'm such a fucking idiot.

Misfits, series 3 finale.. spoilers and shit. You've been warned

I'm so fucked up... I can't even... no.

The worst thing? I finished watching it, all happy and shit, EXCITED, because it was one of the best in the series, right? It didn't have subtitles and I can never understand Joe Gilgun, and maybe I wasn't paying enough attention, or American shows have completely spoiled me in the way I never think a show runner's got the balls to kill off not one, but TWO of the show's major characters. And I go online and find everybody's panties in a twist about it. "How dumb" I think. And then it hits me. They are NOT coming back. Eternal-loop and all. And... like my brain can't even begin to process the loopholes or consistency of this theory or whatever... I just can't believe they won't be back next year. And that kills me. Because the ship... well, I'm used to always shipping the underdog, and not having it made cannon, so I'm always prepared to be disappointed in that department, and I'll be honest with you, I only began shipping them after Future Simon appeared. Yes. So, they create this EPIC relationship, make me invest in it SO MUCH... only to do this fuckery with my feelings? I gotta say... well played, show, well played. And at the same time... I can't see how they are going to get out of this hole. No Robert Sheehan? Ok, that I can't take... but... no Antonia Thomas and Iwan Rheon? Are you for real? What are they going to do? Introduce us to two new characters that are washed-out carton copies of them? Because... I love me some Joe Gilgun, I do, but I always got the sense that Rudy was too Nathan, and at the same time, not ENOUGH, you know? Like, ok, comic relief is gone, let's find a new one. He was a great character in his own right, don't get me wrong, but I would have loved it if they had instead gone in a completely different direction with it, you know?

Anyway. Enough with the rant.. I just... needed to get it all out.

Source

Work-related rant

I know I know I know I shouldn't lose my temper. But sometimes it's just SO HARD and I come awfully close to telling you to FUCK OFF. There are about a million reasons why that would be a Very Bad Idea, of course... but it also would be so liberating. There's a certain appeal in losing it completely. And lately I've been dancing soveryclose to the edge. Tiptoing around it. Maybe I will fall off. That would be nice. For a change.

Fuck the world off: Some dude marry dudes. GET OVER IT

Fuck the world off: Some dude marry dudes. GET OVER IT: We live in this world full of morons who don't get that men can like men.  I'm so tired of hearing the word "iugh" everytime someone finds o...

I have a big Percy/Oliver problem. And a Iwan Rheon one too.

I shouldn't be allowed near a computer this close to finals T_T