Full circle

So, to everyone's surprise, mine especially, things at home seem to be working out just fine. I haven't killed anyone or have tried to kill myself yet, so I suppose that counts as progress. I have been sleeping a lot lately, and odd hours too. I should work on that. Went out with a new guy, older, cooler, very attractive. For some reason he likes me. A lot, apparently. And I'm... not completely inmune to his interest, but not in the way I should be. What the hell is wrong with me? Is it because of the awkward night we spent together? And what is UP with that, anyway? Am I becoming someone who just sleeps with all the guys I meet in the first date? It would appear so. After not giving it up for YEARS AND MONTHS ETC I hook up with guys I barely know. Why can't I stop going to extremes all the time? I don't believe in the word slut and I don't think there is anything wrong with a girl that sleeps with whomever she pleases... so long as it's not me? Still, something doesn't feel all right, and I'm not really enjoying myself (though I did, with Christian, for a while, but that was before I met Michel, hit my head against a wall and went back to Hernan) There's an emptiness I can't seem to fill, no matter how much I try. I've gone out with friends, tries meeting new people, helped my mom with stuff... and still... I can't wake up and do stuff. Everything feels TOO heavy. I wish I could start writing again. This is okay, for now, but it feels like too little, too small an effort, like always.

So many ships (even more than those in the Battle of the Blackwater)

I live to ship. That much is clear. But OH MY GOD. So many, so little time, and SO SO TRAGIC. Like Sansa/Tyrion. Will never happen. But I ship them SO MUCH. Jaime/Brienne. Too obvious? I don't care. Jon/Daenerys. Will probably never meet. Do I care? NO.

Random thought about VD 3x20

Jamie is cute but I don't want to get too attached since he won't last long. None of Bonnie's boyfriends do. Girl has some serious bad luck when it comes to relationships (Anna's bf; that guy at the beginning of season 2 that Mason & Tyler beat up and was later eaten by Caroline; that warlock dude; The Jerm; I'm probably missing someone, but you get the idea). What's up with that??

On being back home at 26

I broke up with my boyfriend, with whom I had been living for a year, last December. One of the things that weighted most heavily on my decision was where I was going to go. I was only going to work for a few more months at the office and then I had to leave everything and focus on my Residency exams. After that, if I was lucky enough to get into a Residency program, I wouldn't be seeing a paycheck until July at the EARLIEST. If I was LUCKY enough. So staying at the rented appartment wasn't a viable idea. I had to return home, with all it implied. I talked with my ex, and he seemed pretty contrite about the whole thing. "As well he should", a bitter part of my heart says. Long story short, I wound up living with my ex for another four months. My life had turned into a bad Jennifer Aniston movie. It wasn't that bad, actually. One of the reasons the ex and I broke up was because he travelled a lot for his job, so he was barely there. But when he came back, things happened, and it did my head in. At first I was all cool about it, and I was seeing other people, so it was a non-problem. I actually felt a bit sorry for him, but I was always upfront about everything I did, and he didn't seem to have a problem, so whatever. But when I quit my job and started cramming he became almost my only conection with the outside world. I felt lonely, and thus I began having all these stupid thoughts and feelings. He must have sensed it, because he began pulling back and acting less like a boyfriend and more like an ex. I knew in my head I didn't really want to get back together with him, and that I just felt lonely and that was it. That it wasn't fair for me to even bring it up. But one night, at my absolute lowest, I wondered out loud, in the smallest voice possible, if perhaps we could give it all another shot. After all, we had been behaving like a couple for weeks. He blew me off, completely. I'm kind of glad he did, now, seeing everything in perspective, but, fuck it hurt like a bitch. So I went through the motions, made it through my exams, and now I'm here, back home, at 26 years old, and I feel like I'm 14 all over again, hating my parents, slaming doors, and, yeah, emoing all over a blog. We'll see how it goes.

Deja-vu

Una vez mas volcando pensamientos en... un blog? internet? el ciberespacio? No importa, mientras que sea alli afuera, lejos de mi. Ojala fuera tan facil con mis sentimientos, meterlos todos dentro de una cajita, o una bolsa, atarlos con cinta, y enviarlos bien lejos.

No puedo decirte ninguna de estas cosas. Ya vomite demasiado el otro dia. Tengo miedo que si sigo puedo perderte. Ja. Como puedo perderte si no te tengo? Te odio. Lo repito para mi misma cada vez que hablo con vos. Teodioteodioteodioteodio. Hasta que las palabras dejan de tener sentido. Pero ni asi me lo creo.

Me hiciste un buen numero, eh? Sin siquiera quererlo. O tal vez si. Te arrepentiste? Viste algo detras de la cortina que no te gusto?

Detesto estar pensando esto. Que es culpa mia. Mira lo que has logrado!

Si tuviera dos dedos de frente o una neurona que funcionara me alejaria.

Pero es magnetismo que me atrae. O tal vez no. Morbo. Si, eso me gusta mas. Es morbo.

No puedo dormir. Y ni durmiendo me alejo de ti, ya que estas en mis sueños, con esa sonrisita ironica que me gustaria abofetear. O besar.

Probablemente ambos.

Over my head

What the fuck am I doing? Seriously. Why am I getting involved in this fucking mess? There's only one way I'll come out of this, and it won't be nice.

You say I can't, and so I will. Again, and again.

I understand the appeal. I really really do. I can see myself falling for her too. Would it be easier if I didn't?

I'm a love junkie. It is a drug, the best kind. I haven't felt more alive in YEARS. I'm such a fucking idiot.